Arthurrr
Bonjour,
Je suis en Terminale L et mon niveau de langue est LV2.
J'ai redigé l'un de mes quatre documents sur l'Inde.
Pourriez-vous me dire votre avis ? Pourriez-vous m'indiquer les eventuelles fautes ?
Introduction.
I’m going to present the notion “the Idea of Progress” it deals the idea the development as technical, scientific or which contribute to the evolution of humanity. I will illustrate this notion though 3 documents. The first one, named “the village population” and written by R.K. Naroyan in his book, “the painter of Signs” present the population-growing process in Indian village. Secondly, the economical aspects of India are studied in two radio reports. Finally, we have on excerpt of Arand Giriharadas’s story “Farewell to an Indian I Hardly knew”, published in “The New York Times”, which is dealing with the author’s impressions about India. This American writer, whose parents are Indians, tell us his observations/findings about a “Changing India”. As we notice, these documents analyses the situation in the same country: India. We also know that India is a diverse country: on one hand, it’s very poor country, in other hand, it’s a thriving and progressing country.
So, can we consider India as a modern country?
Firstly, I will focus on the hidden face of India, poverty, then, I would like to show a different aspect of India, which is modern in several fields.
I partie: The hidden face of India
I. 1. Growing population
In thirty years, India has grown from 700 million to more than 1.2 billion people. In absolute terms, India has the highest population growth in the world: an additional 17 to 18 million inhabitants each year. The first text, entitled: “the village population”, is about this phenomenon. “What the population of this village now? Seven-hundred-odd. … it was just six hundred-odd last year this time.” To highlight these figures, the excerpt proposes a comparison “Our quantum of population increase every year is equal to the total population of a country like Peru, that’s fourteen million”. The Indian population is therefore that of a young country: the under - 15s represent 31% of the population. The text presents two opposing mentalities, incarnated by two characters. Daisy represents a modern mentality while the teacher embodies a traditional mentality. According to the second character, increasing of population is positive, but Daisy think that it can causes many problems in several aspects. “Has your food increase of nearly twenty per cent?” she asked. Indeed, if they have a mass population, the land can’t longer feed its inhabitants, and does not provide enough work. Furthermore, new houses are not built. “I know that the number of houses has remained the same for decades” she notes. Because of that, they need to move in other areas “How many of seven hundred-odd in this village will be prepared to move over to new areas when their homes will be congested?” In fact, they can’t practice their stonemason profession if they are not in village. “They cannot afford to leave it’s side”. Subsequently, they have to move in big cities to start a new life in slums, because they lake the means to buy a house.
I. 2. Life in slums (recording)
“He is success in a stanching example of what’s possible in India’s building economy” certify the second radio report. A man, who lives in Delhi, makes a living by selling rubbishes. “Each day he comes to mountains of rotten garbage for searching to everything he can sell”. This man is considerate like a lucky man, because he earns 2000 rupees: “that’s about 40 $”. “Incredibly that make some better of that 300 million people” To compare, minimum wage established by Indian government is “less than 1 $ a day”. The Indian poverty rate is very high. According to statistics, “300million people” can be considered poor. Imagine that, for a day of work in miserable conditions, parents must feed a large family! Poverty is a huge political challenge for Indian democracy. That's why these families live in slums characterized by these points:
- Overcrowding: As we saw previously, poor families have no access to condom.
- Informal and poor-quality housing, mostly located on the outskirts of city centers.
- Insufficient access to drinking water is the most serious problem.
- Insecurity of people, precisely of women: Practicing dowry, rape, prostitution, and children: infanticide, child marriages…
This report once again raises the question of measuring poverty in this underdeveloped country where inequalities are very marked.
Transition:
However, The Indian society is a place of stark oppositions, still torn between tradition and modernity. India is at the same time one of the countries with the highest growth rate in the world - 7% annual average - and the one where the number of poor is the largest. How can we explain this paradox?
II. India, a country of modernity
1. Technical advance
On the other hand, India is at the leading edge of technology. According to the second text, “Changing India”, written by Anand Giridharadas, India “was changing dramatically, has changed in many ways. This pejorative opinion is about the technical advance of this country “farms giving way to factories, ultra-cheap cars being built, companies buying out the rivals abroad. “In fact, in the space of “2000 days”, India has become a major global player in the field of technology and services. In fact, India is becoming a world superpower and notably the computing and communications revolution has put India at the heart of the world’s network of remote service provision.
For example, Bollywood, that Indian film industry, is one of the four most important film industries in the world. Producing about 800 films a year, it represents the largest number of films shot in the world. To produce those movies, Bollywood uses Software, used in animation and graphics, to do best effects. In fact, India excels in the field of high tech: this country has very early developed technological institutes of high level, in addition to engineering schools and institutes delivering master's degrees in computer-applied technique. The high tech and the way of life that it reflects make young Indians dream. India has an impressive pool of graduates, but insufficient in view of the dizzying development of new technologies: hence the creation of new schools, mentioned in audio. “the inspiration” of those studies? “the boss of the global software company operating.” answer the first part of the radio report. This genius started his career “when he was just 14”, and now, he is the boss of “11 countries, including United States”. A very successful example of “how to being millionaire”. Thank to this modernity, Indiais one of the most dynamic economies of the world.
II. 2. Social advance
“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything” said Georges Bernard Shaw.
The author, Anand Giridharadas, wants to quash received wisdom about “India, the frustrating, difficult country”. In fact, the primer progress that he noticed in his text was mind progress “But the greatest change I have witnessed is […] in mind.” he observed the evolution of social mentality concerning women conditions. He gave simple arguments: “The children of the lower castes were hoisting themselves up on diploma and training program at the time” Indeed, it’s a great evolution, because access to education is very hard for lower castes, in example, the Intouchables. They representing 17% of the population, and excluded from the system because they exercise professions qualified as "impure". Now, with a diploma, they have opportunity to be hired more easily.
“The couples were ending marriages no matter what “society” thinks, then finding love again.” This sentence is very important, knowing that, according to Indian traditions, wending is arranged by parents.
The situation of women in India is questionable in many respects. We know that women often suffer from discrimination, no doubt related to the traditions and religion of the country. The Laws of Manu, the founding legal text of the Hindu tradition of dharma, states that "in childhood, a woman must be submitted to her father, in her youth to her husband and when her master dies, to her sons; a woman must never be independent (...) a woman is not made to be free. This is a major pillar of Hindu traditions that are still prevalent in Indian society, which partly explains the place women occupy today. But as you can see: “The women were becoming breadwinners through microcredit and decentralized manufacturing” Microfinance consists to give to poor entrepreneurs financially unable to secure traditional bank loans. This was a great opportunity for poor women (generally Intouchables), to extricate themselves and their families from poverty. Moreover, earning money contribute to gain some respect in families and communities. Woman can’t be considered like a burden. To resume, we can see a way of empowering women and the best defense for those facing the greatest deprivation.
Conclusion: To conclude, we can say that India is a country of contrasts. Traditional India is characterized by the rapid growth of a very poor population living in slums, the lack of education, the gender inequality makes India a marginal country. However, this emerging country is in strong technological evolution, comparable to the United States. Even if inequalities still persist, we see that they are less and less present today with access to education.
Merci d'avance !
fidji45
Bonsoir Arthurr
J'ai corrigé quelques erreurs
Là n'est pas à mon avis le point faible de cette présentation : je vous explique cela au fur et à mesure.
Introduction.
I’m going to present the notion “the Idea of Progress” it deals with the idea os technical, scientific or social developments.(ouvrez tout de suite avec votre sut : L'Inde progrès ou non?) I will illustrate this notion though 3 documents. The first one, named “the village population” and written by R.K. Naroyan in his book, “the painter of Signs” present the population-growing process in Indian villages. Secondly, the economic (pas economical qui veut dire bon marché) aspects of India are studied in two radio reports. Finally, we have on excerpt of Arand Giriharadas’s story “Farewell to an Indian I hardly knew”, published in “The New York Times”, which deals with the author’s impressions about India. This American writer, whose parents are Indians, shares his observations/findings about a “Changing India”.( As we notice, these documents analyses the situation in the same country: India.):inutile ici ;veillez à le mettre en intro. We know that India is a diverse country: on THE one hand, it’s very poor country, ON THE other hand, it’s a thriving and progressing(?) country.
So, can we consider India as a modern country?
Firstly, I will focus on the hidden face of India, poverty,(Non hélas la pauvreté n'est pas du tout la face cachée de l'Inde, c'est cellequi saute aux yeux, la plus évidente, la plus répandue) then, I would like to show a different aspect of India, which is modern in several fields.
I partie: The hidden face of India(à changer)
I. 1. Growing population
In thirty years, India has grown from 700 million to more than 1.2 billion people. In absolute terms, India has the highest population growth in the world: an additional 17 to 18 million inhabitants each year. The first text, entitled: “the village population”, is about this phenomenon. “What the population of this village now? Seven-hundred-odd. … it was just six hundred-odd last year this time.” To highlight these figures, the excerpt proposes a comparison “Our quantum of population increase every year is equal to the total population of a country like Peru, that’s fourteen million”. The Indian population is therefore that of a young country: the under - 15s represent 31% of the population. The text presents two opposing mentalities, incarnated by two characters. Daisy represents a modern mentality while the teacher embodies a traditional mentality. According to the second character, increasing of population is positive, but Daisy think that it can causes many problems in several aspects. “Has your food increase of nearly twenty per cent?” she asked. Indeed, if they have a mass population, the land can’t longer feed its inhabitants, and does not provide enough work. Furthermore, new houses are not built. “I know that the number of houses has remained the same for decades” she notes. Because of that, they need to move in other areas “How many of seven hundred-odd in this village will be prepared to move over to new areas when their homes will be congested?” In fact, they can’t practice their stonemason profession if they are not in village. “They cannot afford to leave it’s side”. Subsequently, they have to move in big cities to start a new life in slums, because they laCK the means to buy a house.
I. 2. Life in slums (recording)
“He is success in a stanching example of what’s possible in India’s building economy” certify the second radio report. A man, who lives in Delhi, makes a living by selling rubbishes. “Each day he comes to mountains of rotten garbage to search for everything he can sell”. This man is consiDERED a lucky man, because he earns 2000 rupees: “that’s about 40 $”. “Incredibly that make some better of that 300 million people”(?) revoir cette citation svp. To compare,THE minimum wage established by THE Indian government is “less than 1 $ a day”. The Indian poverty rate is very high. According to statistics, “300 million people”(?? where?) can be considered poor. Imagine that, for a day of work in miserable conditions, parents must feed a large family! Poverty is a huge political challenge for Indian democracy. That's why these families live in slums characterized by these points:
- Overcrowding: As we saw previously, poor families have no access to condom.
- Informal and poor-quality housing, mostly located on the outskirts of city centers.
- Insufficient access to drinking water is the most serious problem.
- Insecurity of people, precisely of women: Practicing dowry, rape, prostitution, and children: infanticide, child marriages…
This report once again raises the question of measuring poverty in this underdeveloped country where inequalities are very marked.
ICI : il faut personnaliser votre propos :d'abord passer du "we" au "I"
Votre exposé est déjà à ce stade bien trop long
Les énumérations n'apportent rien : il faut apporter un point de vue, répondre à une problématique et non étblir un plan 1) L'Inde est surpeuplée et la les difficultés dans les slums : okay mais aller chercher les causes : vous avez évoqué la place de la femme (qui ne change pas , malgré peut-être quelques mariages non-arrangés dans les plus hautes castes -et encore) La femme est la propriété de ses parents;quand elle se marie elle est la propriété de ses beaux parents
Il ne suffit pas de reprendre les points d'un document:il faut y ajouter VOTRE point de vue (c'est cela le travail critique demandé) A vous de vous informer
Les Castes sont la colonne vertébrale du pays ; Elles sont "acceptées"car le poids de la tradition est très lourd / Les femmes doivent apporter une dote conséquente lors du mariage de leur fille :voilà pourquoi il y a un taux élevé d'infanticide des petites filles.
Des politiques pour freiner la natalité galopante ont été tentées , la population progresse toutefois si rapidement que le contrôle des naissances est rendu impossible
Le nombre de femmes en âge de se marier (attention l'âge du mariage est très bas)est terriblement inférieur à celui des hommes :en découlent encore plus de tension et d'agressivité mortifère envers les femmes .
les touristes femmes doivent non seulement être plus que décemment couvertes mais il est quasiment impossible pour des femmes en petit groupe de marcher dans les rues sans être verbalement ou physiquement harcelées . Bien entendu il faut abandonner l'idée de découvrir une ville à pied ,seule.
Les personnes en bas de l'échelle sociiale (DONT les Intouchables =UNTOUCHABLES ) sont résolus à leur situation car les croyances religieuses sont fortes:Par la réincarnation une personne pauvre connaîtra une vie meilleure .
Voilà quelques axes que vous pouvez développer :je ne connais pas vos textes mais n'essayez pas de tout évoquer ;prenez un point , exposez le , faites le vôtre :apportez vos connaissances (il y a des sources très accessibles sur internet)
Transition:
However, IF the Indian society is a place of stark oppositions, still torn between tradition and modernity. India is at the same time one of the countries with the highest growth rate in the world - 7% annual average - and the one where the number of poor is the largest. How can we explain this paradox?Je ne vois pas en quoi cela est une transition;vous reprenez l'idée d'une population galopante puis vous passez comme cela à "tiens mais l'Inde c'est aussi un pays moderne"
II. India, a country of modernity
1. TechnOLOGICAL advance
India is at the leading edge of technology. According to the second text, “Changing India”, written by Anand Giridharadas, India “was changing dramatically, has changed in many ways. This pejorative opinion is about the technical advance of this country “farms giving way to factories, ultra-cheap cars being built, companies buying out the rivals abroad. “In fact, in the space of “2000 days”, India has become a major global player in the field of technology and services. In fact, India is becoming a world superpower and notably the computing and communications revolution has put India at the heart of the world’s network of remote service provision.(L'Inde faisant partie du Commonwealth, beaucoup d'Indiens qualifiés vont alors vivre au Royaume Uni )
(For example), Bollywood, that Indian film industry, is one of the four most important film industries in the world. Producing about 800 films a year, it represents the largest number of films shot in the world. To produce those movies, Bollywood uses Software, used in animation and graphics, to do best effects. In fact, India excels in the field of high tech: this country has very early developed technological institutes of high level, in addition to engineering schools and institutes delivering master's degrees in computer-applied technique. The high tech and the way of life that it reflects make young Indians dream. India has an impressive pool of graduates, but insufficient (vous voyez il y a des talents mais les infra structures sont très insuffisantes) in view of the dizzying development of new technologies: hence the creation of new schools, mentioned in audio. “the inspiration” of those studies? “the boss of the global software company operating.” answer the first part of the radio report. This Genius(un "génie "est-il révélateur du sort réservé à ses congénères ou une exception?) started his career “when he was just 14”, and now, he is the boss of “11 countries(???), including THE United States”. A very successful example of “how to BE a millionaire”. Thank to this modernity, IndIA is one of the most dynamic economies of the world.
A qui profite cela ?à une poignée de personnes , celles qui peuvent espérer un travail privilégié (les hommes des plus hautes castes) OK Bollywood est une industrie très productive mais qui regarde ces films ? Pas d'exportation ou peu.
II. 2. Social advance
“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything” said Georges Bernard Shaw. Voilà relisez cela: le problème indien apparaît ici :cette citation vient renforcer l'idée que les mentalités ne changeant pas en Inde (il y a de nouvelles crispations dues au déséquilibre femmes/hommes et au taux de natalité qui accroît le nombre de bouches à nourrir) , L'Inde est statique .
The author, Anand Giridharadas, wants to quash received wisdom about “India, the frustrating, difficult country”. In fact, the primer progress that he noticed in his text was mind progress “But the greatest change I have witnessed is […] in mind.” he observed the evolution of social mentality concerning women conditions. He gave simple arguments: “The children of the lower castes were hoisting themselves up on diploma and training program at the time” Indeed, it’s a great evolution, because access to education is very hard for lower castes, in example, the Untouchables.(oui pour ne pas dire interdit) They represent 17% of the population, and are excluded from the system because they exercise professions qualified as "impure". Now, with a diploma, they have THE opportunity to be hired more easily . Hélas , si sans doute quelques enfants arrivent à aller à l'école un peu plus longtemps ,j 'ai bien du mal à croire que les jeunes Intouchables obtiennent ces diplômes et un travail qualifié.
UN "intouchable" : songez un instant aux répercussions de ce mot /on ne s'approche pas d'eux , ils sont bannis, et considérés comme au début de leurs 7 vies qui les conduira vers une condition qui s'améliorera afin d'atteindre le Nirvana.
Vous savez plus le poids DES religions (l'inde est très complexe) est fort plus cela dénote la mainmise d'un groupe privilégie (argent /éducation) sur une vaste majorité.
la religion est souvent vécue comme une valeur refuge ou une "explication" aux maux d'une vie.
Vous sous-estimez le poids des traditions;: allez vérifier vos sources :qu'est ce qui pousse l'auteur à présenter l'Inde sous ce bel aspect / Soyez nuancé oui quelques femmes ont des micro crédits (mais pas les femmes jeunes qui n'ont qu'un destin:se marier)
“The couples were ending marriages no matter what “society” thinks, then finding love again.” This sentence is very important, knowing that, according to Indian traditions, wending is arranged by parents.
The situation of women in India is questionable(pour le moins mais c'est hélas le cas dans la grande majorité des pays) in many respects. We know that women often suffer from discrimination, no doubt related to the traditions and religion of the country. The Laws of Manu, the founding legal text of the Hindu tradition of dharma, states that "in childhood, a woman must be submitted to her father, in her youth to her husband and when her master dies, to her sons; a woman must never be independent (...) a woman is not made to be free. This is a major pillar of Hindu traditions that are still prevalent in Indian society, which partly explains the place women occupy today. But as you can see: “The women were becoming breadwinners through microcredit and decentralized manufacturing” Microfinance consists to give to poor entrepreneurs financially unable to secure traditional bank loans. This was a great opportunity for poor women (generally Untouchables), to extricate themselves and their families from poverty. Moreover, earning money contribute to gain some respect in families and communities. Woman can’t be considered like a burden. To SUM UP we can see a way of empowering women and the best defense for those facing the greatest deprivation.
Donc ici vous avez voulu mettre en avant l'aspect moderne de l'Inde et pourtant vous faites un long paragraphe sur le sort catastrophique des femmes lié à la religion….
Conclusion: To conclude, we can say that India is a country of contrasts. India is characterized by the rapid growth of a very poor population living in slums, the lack of education, the gender inequality makes India a marginal country.(non pas marginal du tout bien des pays traitent les femmes commes des êtres inférieurs -peu importe le niveau économique ou éducatif : l'Arabie saoudite, la Chine (etc etc) However, this emerging country is in strong technological evolution, comparable to the United States. Even if inequalities still persist, we see that they are less and less present today with access to education.(no!)
Je me permets d'avoir un avis tranché car je connais ce pays
Il me paraît difficile de comparer les "progrès" techniques /le savoir faire informatique (réel) et le misérable sort des femmes et d'en conclure que l'Inde est un pays sur la voie du changement.
Vous connaissez sans doute aussi le sort des enfants qui travaillent massivement dans des conditions effrayantes et sont la manne de ce pays ... des personnes qui se mutilent pour attirer la pitié des touristes en mendiant.C''est hélas cela le visage de l'Inde
Je vous suggère donc d'abord de trier un peu vos idées
Puis de dire :ok nous avons une vision sombre de l'Inde mais il y a sans doute des points forts que ce pays peut mettre en avant
Puis de terminer sur :et pourtant les castes demeurent/poids de la religion / femmes /enfants/ démographie qui pose de lourds problèmes
TRES IMPORTANT : votre notion est trop longue , vraiment.
Entendu il y a une semaine :le Premier Ministre indien avertit les futures touristes que le port du bermuda est vivement déconseillé et qu'en cas d'"agression" le gouvernement se décharge de toute responsabilité .
Vous pouvez replacez aisément vos textes et une partie de vos arguments puis ajoutez quelques phrases qui montrent que vous prenez de la distance avec vos documents . Repensez le plan /Elaguez/ Ayez un regard critique :le tour est joué!
OK ?
If you have any questions..... :)
